sigh.

Open word document to start writing stream of consciousness piece as work has become so dull as to inspire thoughts of alternatively going completely apeshit, throwing office furniture about whilst yelling I hate this goddamn place, or, in a more peaceful option, just seeing what kind of reaction I can get by just strolling into managers office and saying, I don’t give a shit and I feel like going home because while I have some things to think about, I have nothing concrete to do and have not had, for more than at most half an hour at a time, for quite some time. In theory I have things to do but in reality this has been my reality for several months now and both my time management skills and creativity are dying a not so slow and painful death.
I spend forty hours a week here, painfully, with every minute, trying not to smoke five packs a day out of shear exhaustion from all the monotony. You didn’t know it was this bad did you. Give me someone who wants eight hours a day to surf and Ill show you an idiot. I need a half hour to read my regular blogs and another couple of minutes on gmail chat and Im golden. Beyond that is a mind-sucking drain. I don’t go on the internet at home anymore except to look up needed information because I’m so damn sick of it. It is not acceptable to me to waste forty hours a week of my life here. Well, here is ok, but not with THIS. This is ridiculous in grand proportions. I feel uncared for. My desire to be proactive is waning and now comes and goes with alarming speed, although continues to be my one and only source of productivity. I have a brain and I want to use it. This just serves to make me want to say fuck it and return to retail management where I know I will trod home each day exhausted and reeking of consumerism. But at least I’m not bored nor are my Achilles tendons atrophying from the lack of movement.
But I’m not going to do that. I’m going to suck it up and I’m going to research and target and find something meaningful (and no, not in retail) that does not drive me slowly and than quickly mad. Life outside of work is flourishing which is maybe why the wasted hours feel just so unacceptable right now. I can have it all, right? Well that killed 10 minutes. Ooh and that's an interesting and timely phone call right there. Perhaps things are turning up.