and then?

soooo yeah! 5 months later here, and I feel inspired to type some words rather that use this page only for its links to other, more shall we say, attended to blogs. i have a new job, a new dog, a new wonderful people in my life. tis almost December and Christmas hullabaloo is about to come crashing down. many of my formally single friends are now happily settled in relationships and dynamics have changed.

i still feel a bit shocked and damaged and lost about E moving away, although that was 7 months ago. apparently the memories of 12 years do not go softly into the good night. go figure. but i am healing, i think. i struggle with thoughts that this is NOT my one, my lobster, so to speak. i actually still cannot truly fathom it. but i feel justified in my stubborn pouty behavior at times, because its helping me through. also helping me through, gene weingarten's excellent Tuesday chats. which i must go read now.

tata

random post #289

ouch, last updated on Apr 2, 2007. Its flippin June 15th! Apparently I was busy.
Ok, so I'm older, arguably wiser, possibly more bouyant (beer, its summer), and a little bit more sexxay. cause I'm tan.

Blog, life is serendipitous, you know? I am just amazed at the stuff that lands in my lap sometimes. When things are bad, sometimes things get awesome. Sometimes. Could I be more vague? No.

I think I have come to have peace with a particular persistant thing in my life, eh? And I thought it was happy peace. But you need 2 people for happy peace. But I need to demonstrate patience. Patience I say! I shall be patient.

Work is alternately lame as poop and kick ass awesome. What else is new I guess.

I need a change of something...I just don't know what. I'm training for a 10K. whoo.

ok random yeah its Friday at 5:11 and i'm at work. torturous, really.

ttyl blog.

spring sprung?

yaaaay its April. In exactly 30 days I shall be 29 years of age. Kinda happy bout that too. I feel much better at 29 than at 28, despite what a crazy f***ed up year this has been. Of course, I still do have that month for things to turn shitty...just kidding.

I think I shall go to an island for the b-day this year. With clear water. Never seen the clear water.

shoeses

So I have my favoritist shoes on. They are camel, leather, pointy-tointed, 4.5 inch heels, and I love. Except for this - I've never worn them to work, until today. I have on pantyhose, as I horribly unfashionable and also I work at a conservative type of place and also its cold. And the shoes? With the pantyhose they've magically grown at least 1.5 sizes. And if you've ever tried to walk in too-big heels you know that I look ridiculous doing that. So now I've stuffed papertowles into the toes and it doesnt feel good but wtf else can I do. Fashion is lame sometimes. If I stretch these shoes out with the paper towels and then they don't fit even without the slidy super powers of pantyhose I'll be mighty pissed.

In other news: NCAA tournament so far...grrrrrrrrr. Except for Georgetown yay.

dorks-r-us

apparently I'm kinda bookish...

Look at the list of books below. Bold the ones you’ve read, italicize the ones you want to read, cross out the ones you won’t touch with a 10 foot pole, put a cross (+) in front of the ones on your book shelf, and asterisk (*) the ones you’ve never heard of.

1. +The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. +The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. +The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. +The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
9. *Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)

15. +Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17. *Fall on Your Knees(Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban(Rowling)

20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. +The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. +The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)

23. +Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. +The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. +The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. +The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie(Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. +Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. +1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True(Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)

41. +The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. +Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)

45. Bible
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. +The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. +She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. +A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. *The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. +The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)65. *Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
66. +One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. +Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. +Les Miserables (Hugo)
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. +Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
72. +Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)76. *The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. +A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)78. The World According To Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)81. *Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. +Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen)
86. +Watership Down(Richard Adams)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. +Lord of the Flies (Golding)93. The Good Earth(Pearl S. Buck)
94. +The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)

f'ed in feb

Hi internet. It's February, so you need a post. Like to keep those months of archives listed up to date and all. I'm sorry I've been neglecting you so. I'm not ready to talk, blog. There is so much going on in my head and I think I'm going a little mad. It all feels so indulgent, it does. Therapy and drugs and what for, who how why did I get to this point and how can I make it better. I miss not thinking. I miss not being deeply mired in my own thoughts. I miss not having to focus every minute on my physical reaction to A, B, and C. I don't pretend to understand what it means to struggle with disease but I can only say I don't know how anyone ever deals with disease because I can't even handle the bizarre twisting of my own mind. Worse before better, I keep telling myself. It's gotta get worse when you face it head on. Pretending wasn't really working anymore anyway. But so far, neither is my cure. Day by day.

pretty darn cool

A senior partner at my firm was nominated to be the new "Intelligence Czar" this morning. And we employ the former director of the CIA too. Kind of a cool place to work...now if I could only finish that recipe for truth serum...

Two thousand zero seven

res·o·lute [rez-uh-loot]
–adjective 1. firmly resolved or determined; set in purpose or opinion.
2. characterized by firmness and determination, as the temper, spirit, actions, etc.

I don't actually believe in resolutions. I believe you should continuously strive to better yourself throughout the year. Much like birthdays and Valentine's day, however, i appreciate the tradition. In 2006 I took a hold of some things that had been bothering me, about my confidence, my health - and I've made huge strides towards reaching my goals. However, there are still many things that I would like to do better.

Some of my resolutions are quite tangible, some are more vague. I will strive for all of them with equal force and likely many stops and starts. But life is a journey of stops and starts, is it not?

In 2007, I will:
1) Quit fucking smoking already, geez
2) Run a 10K (I'm already at 5K, this isnt such a stretch =))
3) Take care of myself
4) Love my friends and family
5) Be the best friend, sister, daughter, and granddaughter that I can be on each day
6) Give back through volunteering

See, resolutions...they make me feel silly =) But good things, no doubt. Happy New Year!