Wednesday, February 23, 2005

well not that wtf...

actually, upon reading that post, I realize that that dream was quite easily explained. I feel like the reason my relationship ended was that i wasnt fully there, 'in the game' if you will. I felt ashamed of my actions (wrong shoes) and self conscious (wrong shoes). And I want him to give me a second chance (I cant change things). Not sure why the ex girlfriend though.
I had a bad dream just before my alarm clock woke me up this morning. I was at some sort of resort camp type thing and there was a friendly game of basketball going on...except it wasnt that friendly. It was the varsity girls squad of my high school. Regardless, I decided I would go out and play. But I didnt have the right shoes.
I was at this resort thing with my recently ex-boyfriend. He really wanted me to play basketball for some reason. I told him I didnt have the right shoes. This apparently was not acceptable, and he got very mad and left.

Let me say at this point that I was terrified of going out to play basketball with the varsity squad in shoes that were wrong - not style wrong - the soles were wrong and would make me slip on the court.

So I suck it up and go over to the bleachers and sit with the team. I explain that I have the wrong shoes. It is okay that I have the wrong shoes, they say. They will take me to get the right shoes and until then I can watch and listen.

In my dream, I am overjoyed. I run to tell the boyfriend (we are apparently not ex yet in my dream) and run smack into him dressed for the pool with his ex girlfriend (whom I know, and used to live with). But I joined the team! I protest. Ex girlfriend takes one look at me and runs off, boyfriend looks upset and says, Im sorry, I made a mistake, but I cant change things now.


Tuesday, February 22, 2005

midnight train to georgia...

its midnight, its a worknight, and i cant sleep. well, i slept fine from 7-9 or so. anyway. I was just sitting in bed, thinking. and then crying. i thought i was done with the crying. and then, my dear cat, who was purring whilst curled in the nook of my armpit, sat up, reached a paw out, and bit my cheek. hard. i love my cat.

Monday, February 21, 2005

for my sister, on the 'BIG THREE OH'

My sister will be turning 30 next week. This marks a turning point in the history of us, two daughters. When we were little, and even into adolescene, we would, from time to time, remark on the three year difference between us and what that would mean as the years passed. When you're 15, I'll be 12, I would say. Yeah! And when I'm 18, you'll be 15, she would reply. The granddaddy of legal age, when she was 21, I would be 18 - full access to anything we pleased. When she was 25, I would be 22! Well, we never, not once, went past 'When I'm 27, you'll be 30!'. That combination seemed so far away that we probably thought it would never actually happen. Well, it has. Next Thursday, my big sister will be 30, and I will be 27 in another two months.
There's a curiosity to aging that has occured to me recently. I've always practiced the time honored tradition of breaking something into smaller parts to make it easier. You have an eight hour work day and youre exhausted? Take a five minute break every hour - itll go faster if you deal with 60 minutes at a time. On the treadmill for half an hour? Change the display to give you one section of the hill at a time - who cant deal with 45 seconds? Quitting smoking? One day at a time.
The curious thing is that we divide the one thing we dont want to all..into neat little segments, which we then celebrate. Why is the anniversary of our birth something we would want to keep counting, so obviously, watching the number grow? Why do we segment into decades with such devotion, while we approach those milestones with fear?
Many people I've talked to over the years mark their thirties as the years they learn to love themselves. What a testament to the complexity of mankind, that it takes THIRTY YEARS to be comfortable with yourself, to start to understand why you are who you are and to come to accept and love that person. I'm not scared of being thirty.
So to my sister, on her birthday, I wish this... Stop counting if only for a while. Look forward to acceptance of yourself. Enjoy, no all out love, that thirty years of you have happened to the world, to me, to our parents. And once in a while, act like we're 5 and 2, or 10 and 7, or 15 and 12, or, god forbid, 21 and 18, but know that we have never been happier.
Happy Birthday!

Sunday, February 20, 2005

inspiration for obtuse vita

vita - a short account of ones life
obtuse - lacking sharpness or quickness of sensibility

hence the inauguration of my blog. i do not expect fans nor legions of readers. i do expect a place to reflect while doing something i love - writing, not typing. inspired by many wonderful blogs i have stumbled accross that have made me laugh and cry out loud as well as sit on the couch reading for an entire sunday afternoon.

so here goes...