Wednesday, November 30, 2011

attack of the eyeliners

I'm on a bit of a beauty and cosmetics kick right now. I have packages from Lush, Bumble & Bumble, and MAC waiting for me at home. Its like Christmas up in here. I go through this, these phases, where I want new make-up and shampoos and bath salts and glorious things like that. It's an upgrade, its a chance to sort out what doesn't work well v. what does.  It actually helps me streamline by vanity arsenal. Plus I smell pretty.

I am ALL ABOUT the Lush right now, by the way. I love their stuff. So amazing, so delicious smelling, so natural.

The MAC gear includes a liquid eye liner - Superslick Liquid Eye Liner in Defiantly Feline. I think this will become something like the 5th liquid eye liner I've tried. And you know what works best so far? Wet N' Wild, baby. For some reason, I am refusing to accept this as my liquid liner fate. It all comes down to the brush, really. I think I could use almost any liner with the W&W brush. I even bought an eye liner brush, and it's not the same.

I started rocking the liquid eye liner..kitten-eyes, I suppose, not full-on cat...during the week months ago. It helps my eyes not disappear behind my glasses. I'm actually pretty good at application now - unless I have the wrong implement. Then forget about it.

Again, I'm not sure why I feel compelled to spend $20 dollars on an eye liner when I can spend $2. My experience with MAC products has been overwhelmingly great though, so here's hoping I have discovered some secret holy grail of liquid liners. Fingers crossed.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

the 1% where I live

I spent some time today trying to answer a question that's been on my mind. I live in Fairfax County, VA. This is one of the highest-income counties in the US. Third to Falls Church city (where my mom and dad and sister and brother in law live..about 5 miles from me) and Loudoun County, our direct neighbor to the West.


So, my question is, what constitutes the 1% here? The number I've heard tossed around is $250,000, which I suppose represents nation-wide. Okay, fine. That is a lot of money, even in New York.  New York and San Francisco, maybe Boston, are pretty much the only cities you'll find that cost more than DC. But it's not the 1% here. Can't be. So I went on a search. I haven't found my answer yet, but I found some pretty jaw-dropping facts.

Here's a whole site dedicated to economic and demographic information in Fairfax.

Unemployment is 4.5%, and that is historically super high. Lower only than last year.

39% of households bring in more than $150,000 a year. That's the highest that table goes.

Here's a major jaw-dropper. Using, I found out the cost of living difference between here and Indianapolis..

The cost of living in Washington, DC is 71.3% higher than in Indianapolis, IN . Therefore, you would have to earn a salary of $428,217 to maintain your current standard of living.

And here's where I say whoa...

Employers in Washington, DC typically pay 11.0% more than employers in Indianapolis, IN . Therefore, if you take the same type of job in the same type of company in Washington, DC you are likely to earn $277,495 .

So, you're telling me that the cost of living is 71.3% higher, and we only pay 11.0% more?

This tempts me to think we are hosed. The other numbers, they remind me that I'm very fortunate to live here in an area of great opportunity.

So no, I don't think the 1% is quite the same in my DC suburb. I'm still allowed to be against the death of the middle class, right?

Monday, November 28, 2011

ohhhh uggggh

you remember that decision I made a few weeks ago? To come off one of my two drugs for my panic disorder? Well, I did. I tapered, and then I finally came off of it all together on Thursday night after Thanksgiving. I expected to feel like hell - and I did, kind of. I felt weird all weekend. I spent a lot of time on the couch. I did my workouts every day, because exercise helps the symptoms. I felt "OK". Which I suppose if your most demanding activity is exercising for an hour, followed by couch sitting..well, that's enough. Not so much at work. I have no couch in my office. Can you believe it?!?

Today? Today, I feel like crap. I feel shaky and weird and kind of disassociated with myself and...well, not hungry. In the least. I just finished my breakfast. Its 3:30pm. I wasn't hungry, but I was feeling a little shaky, and since I can't exactly pinpoint the cause of shakiness, I made myself eat.

As we humans are wont to do, I googled all this. I googled withdrawal symptoms from this drug. I am now terrified, thanks internet. I got a good giggle about how this drug makes you eat like a stoned teenager (I can see that), and crave carbs and sugar (I can definitely see that). I am now worried about a whole host of issues. Scary scary issues. And I'm terrified even more that the drug I'm still on does exactly shit and the drug I went off was doing all the good.

Hot damn, I hate this shit.

(As a side note on the exercise - I am now into my third part or section or whatever you call it of P90X. So, I'm a little over 2/3rds of the way done. I can do WAY more pushups. I still can't do pull ups or a half moon. I hopped back to Level 3 of Jillian's 30 day shred on Saturday instead of Plyo - who am I kidding, anything to get out of Plyo...and I expected it to be easy...but it wasn't. It was kind of harder than Plyo. Though about 2/3rds shorter!  Overall, however, we are still, yay, P90X. Ordering P90X 2 here in a few days. I ain't done yet. Though dude, I'm kinda over the Back and Legs workout. Sneaky lunges = blargh.)

the sales and the sales and the sales

It's Cyber Monday, everyone. Which sort of creeps me out a bit, makes me think of a set-aside day to have cyber-sex. If that's still a thing. I don't know. Maybe my mind is dirty. But! But.

Let's ponder for a moment - how full is your inbox of a million emails that say stuff like:

"Hi, I'm from your favorite store, we're discounting all sale items an additional 60% off plus free shipping for 4 hours only! Run!"

My cousin's girlfriend works at one of the famous electronics retailers. She had to head into work at 11pm on Thursday night to work a 12 hour shift. She chose that over the 9am to 9pm on Friday. More down time, I suppose - more exciting.

But seriously, people. Has it not gotten out of hand? Me thinks yes.

I will admit, I am, at times, swayed. I will never ever ever go to Target between Black Friday and, oh, Christmas, if I can help it. I refuse to go to Wal-Mart anyway. I do most if not all of my shopping online. If I'm at the store the week before Christmas, its because I ran out of wrapping paper, dang it.

But, I shop. A lot. All year. You guys know this. So wouldn't it behoove me to shop MORE when the deals are so OMFG BBQ!

I really really ridiculously try not to. Because I don't want to perpetuate the consumer madness. I'd rather buy from Anthropologie than Target, and from Etsy than Anthropologie, and I try to stick to that, all year. But damn, they are convincing, aren't they?

Let's all make ourselves feel okay and pretend that they are selling at a loss this week (heck, maybe they are, making it up in volume) and that the clothes we buy all year are worth full price (they're not, for the most part).

Last week, about Monday, our TV finally bit the dust. We had to cave and buy a new one. So, I did what any smart and/or brainwashed American would do, and waited until Friday. (online, people, online). I needn't have. The emails I started getting a week ago about Black! Friday! Deals! Start! Now!...I didn't believe them. I thought the prices would go lower. They didn't. I still got an amazing deal on a new TV.

So does the system work? Sometimes, I think. Sometimes. Maybe if it could be limited to responsible buying of needed appliances and electronics and we all agree to replace broken items twice a year, and the retailers are cool with that, so they give us good deals. Maybe twice a year, who wants to be stuck with a broken dishwasher for 10 months? And, hmmm, why doesn't this apply to cars? Black Friday for cars? Freaking genius. Groceries? Gas! College! There's so much more benefit to be had here than video games and very ugly ugly housewares on sale.

Does it perpetuate the idea that Christmas is the time to blow all your money and put yourself into a debt you will only barely get out of by next Christmas because you need all the things? Yeah. And that's pretty disgusting. I, for one, wouldn't miss about 1/2 of what I own. Get rid of it, you say? Give it to less fortunate people so they have Christmas gifts? Well, that's damn brilliant, I say. Why don't we all do that?

My family, we have a good tradition. We play white elephant with the extended family, $5-$10 gifts, and we all chip in nice chunks of change to a charity that we choose together. Not a one of us needs things. For the immediate family, we try to give experiences or donations. Tough sometimes, and we will give a few little pretty things here and there. But the tree, it is not so full with boxes, but much fuller with life and love (whoa cheesy, but true).

I have good intentions, but I will falter. I will never ever buy a child a toy when I could give a book. I am more likely to buy you a trip than a necklace. But most of all, I try to give with thought and heart. I don't see that for sale at the big stores, I just don't - none of it has personal meaning, save books and music maybe.

I'm steeling myself against a month of unbelievable sales in my inbox. Its tough, you know. Tough for someone like me to resist major deals. But I'm doing my best, this year. I'm almost done Christmas shopping. I may just block all those emails.

Or, I may buy a faux fur vest from Nordstrom because I  mean, who doesn't need one of those. That's like the thing I will wear all the time even when its out of style because I don't care and I love anything that reminds me of the 70s. Like my brown leather cropped moto jacket. Which I bought in like 2002 and has come in and out of style 'bout 5 times and I don't care, I just wear it. I do what I want. But I digress. See, I'm not perfect.

How do you resist the pull of the x% off siren?

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

ringing in

i don't know what I'm doing for new year's yet..but I'd like to be wearing this Paillette shift dress from BR. What are you going to wear to this season's festivities?

thankful, con't.

Some more things that I'm thankful for.

1) J Crew, Anthropologie, and Zara
2) All of the delightful blogs I read daily.
3) Vogue. And all of the other magazines I read, but mostly Vogue.
4) My new chair
5) That I have found a true love for exercise. I suppose I am thankful for P90X =)
6) My UGG slippers
7) Sweatpants. Glorious sweatpants.
8) People who believe in me.
9) Sleepy warm stretchy cats
10) Bella noises
11) Pretty flowers in my garden
12) Summer.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


In the spirit of Thanksgiving later this week, I thought I'd start to make a list of all the big and little things in life I'm thankful for. Some are serious, some are frivolous, but all make me happy.

 Section 1 - My heart, my life
1) Family
2) Fred
3) Dear sweet kitty darlings Tasha and Bella. (Storchez and Rooster)
4) Friends

Section 2- The rest of it
1) the opportunities I've had in my career, and what I've learned
2) NPR
3) Starbucks
4) that my parents are very smart people, and that my grandparents were smart people, and because of them, their children have comfortable, amazing, beautiful, loving homes - and we get to share in the joy and comfort that is a little stability in life.
5) Manhattan Bagel on the weekends
6) The Washington Post and the New York Times
7) music. that music exists. that the genius of the Rolling Stones and the Beatles and Led Zeppelin and Bob Dylan exists. That I was raised in a musical home. That I am a musician, and a music lover.
8) For being raised by parents who taught me, inspired me, and put up with me, and are amazing people, cooler than I'll ever be.
9) That I was raised without prejudice, judgement, racism, or fear, but to have an open mind. Also, to be a Democrat =) That I experienced being the minority.  That I was introduced to religion but allowed to choose my own path. That I've never felt pressure to do or be anything but what I want to be.

to be continued ...

Monday, November 21, 2011

my chair

you know the classic cliche, that the man has a "man chair" that the wife hates? Yeah, I got myself my own "woman chair" this weekend, and Fred is not a fan. This is the one the husband won't ever get me to throw out.

Its more butterscotch-y than this picture shows. Its an Overman AB. I love it. The Tasha cat has also taken up residence.

I got this at a little shop in Alexandria that specializes in mid-century modern. It is super dangerous for me to go in, or even know about, this store.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


Morning, all! I was going to say its so hard to believe its the middle of November, but I feel like I'm saying that about a new month every other day, and its tiring me, so I won't! Just try to enjoy every day to its fullest.

I feel like nattering today, I have some complaining to do. I hope you'll indulge me. I do feel a bit like a whiny brat when I keep talking about my weight, blah-dy blah blah, but it is on my mind. Not in an obtrusive way, not in a bad way even. Let me be clear - I feel good about myself and I look good - in a completely different way than I used to look good. If that makes sense. And that's what I want to talk about. Re-adjusting to not being skinny.

So, I have mixed feelings about this subject. On one hand, I admire people who are proud of their bodies no matter what the shape. Its a hard thing to do, whether you are thin or heavier. I know that I didn't appreciate what I had when I had it!

On the other hand, and this may be controversial, I believe that everyone has a choice as to their habits, but if the world were run by me, I would encourage everyone to pursue a healthy lifestyle, healthy eating habits and exercise. I do get a bit judgy of people who are morbidly obese and chowing on the McD's 3 times a day. Okay, a lot judgy.

Which brings me to my own struggle and personal beliefs here. I spent most of my life as one thing - naturally slender no matter what the hell I ate, until I was not. It was quick, it was the result of medication, and it sucks. The emotional and mental ability to frame this change in my mind has taken much longer.

I try to look at myself in the mirror (actually, I don't hate this), more like I try to look at the number on my clothes. I realize that its is 2 digits where it used to be one. Okay, let's be real. Its a 10-12 and it used to be a 4-6. Fuck that noise.

So, this happened to me. At first, I did nothing. I was still recovering and kind of fragile from the walloping I took from panic disorder before this happened. I was content to just get through the days.

Then, I got a little pissed. I had to come to terms with my changed image of myself, the changed image that I now showed to the world. And, like always, I'm sure the vision I have of myself in my head is different from what people see. Like always, I kind of hate pictures. I'm not very photogenic, except when I look back 5 years later, and think hot damn, child, you look great. So, maybe I am photogenic, and also heavily critical of myself.

My fiance has never known me as the thin girl. He's seen pictures. This is interesting, though I don't think about it much.

So here's what I've done to make it right in my head. If I do EVERYTHING I can to live a healthy lifestyle and exercise and eat right and make good choices (while not completely restricting myself, I've learned to love strange and formerly foreign things, dark chocolate, lookin at you). If I take care of myself. THEN I can feel okay about my body. Does that make sense? Its like a deal I've made with myself. This may be the state I find myself in, but I won't take it lying down. I can't force change, but I can do what is within my power.

And that's going to be okay and good enough.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

sweet november

here it is, Thursday/Friday (because tomorrow is a holiday!). The weather outside today makes sure that we know it is November. Its not that cold - 50s - but it is dark and dreary and the leaves are coming down down down. From my little 7th floor office perch, I have a very good view far west and east - and the leaves are absolutely gorgeous. Sad to know in a few weeks they will be gone.

today marks my halfway point with p90x. And..well, that's good. I'm not hating it or anything, its just not very exciting right now. Although! I did finally get a pull up bar yesterday. Basically, in p90x, a couple of the workouts have some pretty intense pull up/chin up elements. There are modifications using resistance bands, which I have been doing until now. I really really want to be able to do pull ups, its definitely a major goal. I put up my new pull up bar last night and...not there yet. I just kind of hang, and pull, and make uuungggh noises, and nothing happens. So, I will keep building up my strength.

Its also really awesome to have such an apparatus because I get to try and do all my strength moves on bar from when I was a gymnast - like levers and skin the cats. It is really my greatest wish that I could have a gym - like a gymnastics gym - all to myself. I would work out about 3 hours a day and have fun doing it. When I taught gymnastics, I had this - maybe I'll pick up teaching a class once a week just for this benefit! Or maybe I'll become wealthy and build one, haha =) For now, the bar helps.

Today also marks just about a month since I've eaten meat - and I've decided I'm done with it. I made burgers for Fred the other night, and while I wasn't disgusted, I didn't want to eat them either. I'm sure there will come a time when I'm craving a steak...or in a few weeks, turkey!..and I'm not saying "never", I don't want to set myself up to feel like a failure. Its not about that. Fred and I noticed that we were getting really lazy with cooking (ok, I was. I do the cooking, let's not pretend that's a shared duty) and we were having burgers and steaks maybe a little too frequently. So we went veggie. We have crab cakes or salmon or the occasional egg maybe once every 10 days or so. I've gotten pretty good at vegetarian recipes. I've discovered veggie lasagna, sweet potato & black bean burritos, tofu  & mushroom stir fry, roasted acorn squash with portabello and onions. I mean, I've not been going hungry, hehe. For a long time since, I had an aversion to anything with bone in - forget about whole chicken roasts or such things. And for a longer time, I've only bought my meats from certain places that carry humanely raised products. Finally, I just switched to a local butcher from Charlottesville. So, I feel okay about the meat that I was eating. But I just don't feel like I need it anymore. We shall see how this progresses.

I've got my mind on Christmas presents, and I have an idea for ALMOST everyone on my list. I like being done early, and I think this year I'll be able to carry my presents in my purse - lots of envelopes with exciting surprises (not gift cards, no, no).

Wednesday, November 09, 2011


These? These here Laura's Wholesome Junk Food Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Bite-lettes? 

I picked these up at the Whole Foods. Dates are the top sweetener in these. I'm pretty sure they forgot to say that the first ingredient is crack. They are sooo. soooo. goood.

a dress and a tale of zara

Before (well, and after) I entered the illustrious world of HR, I was in Retail. I started off with a job at the Body Shop in college, and soon enough was promoted to Assistant Manager. I stayed there for a few years, before heading off to ICF to become an HR Assistant. After ICF, I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do. I toyed around with a couple of ideas - even went back to The Body Shop to be a manager there.

One day I was working at the Body Shop and a woman came in to shop. I was working alone on a Sunday, so we got to chatting. Turns out she was the District Manager for Bebe, and she was hiring. So, I became the Co-Manager of the Georgetown Bebe, and began my apparel retail career. I loved working at Bebe. I had a great group of coworkers, and we became pretty good friends. I was in my mid 20s, so I could still pull off most of those clothes - and oh man, does your style change when you work at a clothing store. I was itty-bitty, and I wore things like bell-bottom jeans with the legs slit up to the knee. This was also the era of jeans with no back pockets. I still have one pair, my favorite pair of jeans really. They are about a size 00, and they are almost falling apart. I keep them, for..shit, I don't know. But keep them I do.

I gave away most of the other Bebe gear. Its horribly out of fashion now, and shows the wear of a DC summer spent on your feet all day...ewww.

After about a year and a half at Bebe, I got recruited away for an awesome job - General Manager of the new Zara in Georgetown. I had to go to New York for 6 months for training...gosh darn, haha. I had the life, man. I had a paid for hotel room in the Theatre District and a nice salary, not that I needed it, because I also had a per diem of $128 a day. For food. That I got whether I spent it or not - no reimbursements here. Which, sure, if I tried to eat at the Times Square restaurants I would have plowed through pretty quick..but I didn't. I lived on Starbucks and Sbarro. I worked at the Herald Square Zara and I learned New York well. I had the trains down, I gave tourists directions, I spent my days off - every single day off - in Soho, when I wasn't popping on the Acela to come home for a bit. It was, in short, awesome. I was essentially living in New York for free. I did things like go shopping at the Times Square Virgin Mega Store and oh HEY, Marc Ronson is spinning in the DJ booth right now. I went to Broadway shows, I got my hair done at the Frederick Fekkai salon above Chanel on 5th. I shopped at What Comes Around and Kirna Zabete. I dropped nice chunks of change on gifts for my boyfriend at Supreme (where I ran into the Olsen twins - random). I got real real used to this particular New York state of mind =)

A little about New York - there is nothing, no nothing, quite like the first time you walk out of Penn Station and experience the city as someone who..kind of...lives there. Nothing. I was there for some New York events - the blackout - the game 7 win of the ALCS against the Red Sox (i was bitter, but we got them next year).

There was also the not-so memorable time that the manager of the Herald Square store took us all out to dinner. Now, I know, taking a group of 15 out to dinner in the city is not exactly cheap...but she took us to the Red Times Square. Of all the places to eat in New York, I was like...seriously? Can we go downtown? Talk about wasting your money. Have you ever eaten in Times Square? This one time I went to TGIF and a French Dip and a beer was $40. Eh, she was from Newark, what are ya gonna do?

I had lots of disposable income, and I spent a fair amount at the store I worked at. So I got to know Zara clothes and quality. The first season I worked there was the one that Zara was ripping off Marc Jacobs who was ripping of Courreges. Excuse me, not ripping off, paying tribute to. Zara was actually just ripping off, its what they do =) It was also the first season that over the knee boots started becoming acceptable for non-hookers. Well, at least in New York.

I think that was also the first time that I realized that DC does lag behind New York in fashion trends. Every time I came home, my outfits were a little more out there. I was wearing stuff that wouldn't become mainstream for another year. A little lesson there. God, I miss New York, haha.

All this to say that I was introduced to Zara in a pretty in-depth manner. I learned about the whens whys hows, etc. I was responsible for the buying. It was pretty cool. I ended up leaving retail to go back into HR with Booz Allen, leading me on my path to my current job - which is awesome. But a small part of me misses the world of retail.

A few months ago Zara opened an online US store. I was kind of in heaven. Everything thing I buy from there, I love. Its unique, its on trend, its good quality, and I get mad complements. Having worked there, too - I know which items are the standards, season to season, basics - and frankly not as good quality - and I know which are the standouts of that particular season, and therefore generally a bit higher quality. I just bought another Zara piece last week, and I'm wearing it today, and I love it.

I feel like I could curl up and sleep, cause I'm just wearing a big sweater. P.S. this picture was taken before I did my hair -work out hair! Sorry.

Dress: Zara
Belt: Target
Tights: Hue
Shoes: Ann Taylor
Bracelet/Rings: Tiffany
Watch: Timex Weekender

Monday, November 07, 2011

an outfit and an update

Happy Monday! Thank goodness its a short week =) Friday we celebrate Veteran's Day, originally commemorating the end of WWI. Of course, this Friday would be more momentous if that happened in 1911, but no, it happened in 1918. Sorry that the numbers don't add up pretty. Of course, 11/11/11 is still a pretty cool date. Shame I'm no longer in school and don't have to write it under my name on my loose-leaf paper. They still do that, right?

10/10/10 was cool, but not as cool, obviously. I suppose the last time we had one a little like this was 9/9/99. And I don't really remember that. Because I was 21, I'm guessing, and not remembering much? Don't know! Also, 9/9 is my friend Val's birthday. I did not meet her until 2003, but still, yay.

This weekend rather flew by, didn't it? Here it is November 7th already. That means I am 5 1/2 weeks in on P90X, almost to the half-way point. This doubles thing is kind of a pain - I love waking up and exercising before work - I love less, going home from work and doing it again. But it's okay, there are only 2-a-days 3 times a week (and on my schedule that is Tuesdays, Fridays, and Sundays.

P90x is...well, its going. It hurts now more than it did before! I'm going to choose to believe that is because I am "bringing it" more than to believe I am becoming weaker, haha.

As I mentioned last week, my medication is getting a little tinkering with, before the major tinkering, and I feel slightly off, but not too bad. I think I'll be a-ok. I did perhaps fly off the handle at Fred this weekend for the floor being dirty - I had just mopped it, man, I wasn't happy about it - but it wasn't really his fault. Luckily he is understanding about my various mental states =) I threatened him with hiring a maid - yeah, like that is really a threat. But I'm going to do it, I am. I really rather hate cleaning, and I'm hiring someone to do it. And that's okay.

Yesterday, with Daylight Saving Time ending, I woke up at 5am. Awesome, haha. It was a very long Sunday, just how I like 'em =) I do feel bad for my friends with children on sleeping schedules, I'm sure that is a huge pain in the ass. I'm in awe of mothers, especially (not to discount SAHMs), but working mothers, I have no idea how they do it. I have a hard enough time working out for an hour after work.

So, I remembered to take an outfit picture this morning, so that's exciting. Here's what I've got on:

The details:
Sweater: J Crew
Shirt: J Crew (its on major discount right now)
Skirt: J Crew
Tights: Hue via Anthropologie
Shoes: Ann Taylor
Necklace: Anthropologie
Bracelet: J Crew
Rings: Tiffany
Watch: Timex Weekender

Friday, November 04, 2011

crazy, stupid

I saw crazy stupid love last night, picked it up on the ol' Roku (love that thing, btw. Best Christmas present EV-ERR).

This movie, in short, is weird, and awesome.

I wasn't sure, at first. I wasn't even sure when I finished watching it. But upon reflection, that movie rocked.

Steve Carrell is Steve Carrell-y, but not as much as normal? Like not Even Almighty-ish Steve Carrell. The whole plot is kind of sublimely ridiculous. But also awesome.

Hands down though, what makes this movie? Ryan Gosling. He is amazing in it. He's kind of channeling Brad Pitt in Oceans Eleven but with more sleaze, but also less sleaze. And Emma Stone's character, and their interaction - just perfect.  "You wanna get outta here?" hehe. You'll see.

Watch it, is good.

Thursday, November 03, 2011

frustration nation

I'm frustrated today. Frustrated for a very good reason, but still frustration feels like such a useless emotion. Frustration can lead you to make good changes, but in this case, I'm frustrated about good changes I've already made.

Patience has never been a virtue of mine, I'm very willing to admit that, but I still get frustrated when I see seemingly not only no reward, but punishment for my hard work.

What am I talking about? My weight, no surprise. It keeps inching up. And that is making me frustrated and quite pissed off.

Right now, and heck, not just right now, but right now, I'm in my 5th week of P90X. 5 weeks isn't a lot of time, I know. I wouldn't be pissed if the scale was staying where it started. But it isn't. Its creeping up. And yes, I know, muscle weighs more than fat, and its sometimes perfectly normal to gain when you first start working out. Yes. For an IN SHAPE person. For a person of healthy weight. Which I am not. Also, not exactly new to this whole working out thing.

How is it even possible that, let's say I didn't even change what I was eating, how is it even possible that pounds don't move when you are working out between an hour and two and a half hours each day? Huh? Tell me.

Let me just re-confirm - i DON'T expect results in 5 weeks. This is compounded frustration. I've been working out between 3-7 days a week going on 2 years (February!). I've worked by myself at the gym. I've worked with a trainer. I've worked by myself at ANOTHER gym. I've taken classes. I took to home workouts. I did 30 day shred, and I did lots of different crunch workouts. I finally upped my game to P90X. I think I partly did this to prove to myself that I am working out hard enough. If you are doing P90X and not cheating, you are working out hard enough.  Anybody is. Right?!?

At this point, I work out every day. On my rest day, I even do active stretching. Dude, it feels awesome. And its hard. But I couldn't just say, Oh, I'm doing enough, fuck the scale, until I really could say I'm doing ENOUGH.

But! But!!!!

Oh, and I have changed what I'm eating. I do Weight Watchers, Fred and I have stopped eating meat (3 weeks ago, I don't miss it, still have fish once a week about). I eat a shit ton of veggies and I eat fruit, and protein in the way of eggs and tofu, and I eat my dark green leafys and my flax. I take supplements for probiotic health, for Vitamin B, for Omega 3s. I have one diet, caffeine free, soda a day. I have one cup of decaf coffee a day.

So when I do all this, when my butt still aches from the legs workout 3 days ago, when I FEEL freaking GREAT (no, I'm not discounting this) do I not get frustrated when the scale won't budge?

So I got real fed up this morning, and I did something I haven't done in a very long time. I ate a Nutty Buddy. And now I feel guilty. But not defeated, whatever, its a small thing in the grand scale. But I need some progress to keep going, you hear me? I need some nice signs. I'm just sooo pissed that I felt I needed that packaged sugary crap.

What I do, it doesn't seem to much affect the weight honestly. When I worked out with a trainer I got down about 7 lbs. When I did my 30 day shred, I got down about 1/2 a lb under what I was 3 years ago - that didn't suck, but its still represented about a 12 lb net loss from my high. When I went through a little, eh, eff it phase with working out so hard? I lost. (Ok, that one may be muscle loss, but if so, that was quick) And now? I'm like 5 lbs away from my high. That is some bullshit.

So what do I do? Just keep going, obviously, that's not even a question. I'm getting stronger and healthier and fuck the weight. But I don't want to give up on that either. Don't want to give up on myself.

Its the goddamn medication, I know it is. That's what caused the gain and that's what's making it stay. I'm going to have to switch. All the way. I have to willingly make myself feel like shit for weeks in order to do this. Okay then, have it your way, medicine. You're done. (Don't worry, I'm going off one and upping my other, totally and completely doctor vetted and approved).

Also, if you have any words of share. I need a little boost.