thoughts on the everpresent heavy

I haven't been like this since I was 17. The feelings are old and familiar, like what I imagine it would feel like to sit in my old station wagon again. A lot of unanswered questions, frustrations, inability to reach and find you, wondering. Then it was innocent but it felt as heavy as the world on my shoulders. Now it feels heavy like that and it is. Im moved to write in my journal, which you've read, you know, but now I post my journal here and it is exposing everything, yet absolutely nothing at all. Life is beautiful, an adventure. I don't know what it will be without you holding my hand, and I go to sleep every night thinking I. don't. want. to. know. The lump sits in my throat, like now, so frequently lately. Do I listen to the lump, does it matter if I do, do I swallow it down, do I push through, if it feels so wrong can it be right, how long do love songs all seem to be about it, about us. Life is bigger than this. When did we get stuck on this and how do we do anything else? Life is bigger than this. Our life, or our lives. One or two. They will be huge without this but imagine it with. Circular logic will be the end of me.