Sunday, February 06, 2011

giving some slack on the chain of vanity

so , i have a hard time talking about a particular weight. Not to say that I am in denial, as I am and have been for some time been addressing it via diet and excercise, to positive results. here's what I have the toughest time with, I don't eat perfectly (who does?). No, I don't excercise 7 days a week (3-5 actually). could I do those things? yes. but i wanted to establish a maintanable diet/exercise lifestyle, and that's what I have done. It includes dark chocolate squares and lazy evenings sometimes. of course it does, that's life. I'm proud of the progress I've made, and even thought it is tough to dig deeper for motivation once in a while, as I SAY, i've never EVER left the gym saying, you know, I shouldn't have gone today. I try to keep that in mind.

Here's where my real frustration lies. As i said, I don't eat perfectly, but I eat the way someone who maybe has that 5 extra pounds to lose does. I eat mostly lean meats, fish, healthy whole grains, veggies. the aforementioned dark chocolate is my treat. caffeine free diet coke is my vice.

For example, here is what I ate today:

Breakfast - banana, mini whole grain bagel with natural PB and a honey drizzle
Lunch - tofu scramble on wrap, 2 flax seed whole grain pancakes with maple syrup
Dinner - grilled shrimp, quinoa with sauteed mushrooms, grilled asparagus with olive oil and sea salt
Dessert - Scoop of dark chocolate sorbet

Now, I'm experimenting with quinoa and flax, and sometimes I don't get those healthy staples in my diet, but this is pretty typical in terms of a day. Now how overweight do you think I am?

Not 30 pounds, right? But yeah.

I should add that I'm on medication for panic disorder that is notorious for weight gain, as its ONLY negative side affect. In fact, 20 of these 30 lbs stuck themselves to me when I was on Zoloft originally, I came off that and on to Remeron, and added actually another 20, I've lost 10 of that.

Here's what really bugs me, and maybe I'm not giving people credit, or giving them too much thought..People I haven't seen since I was a sleek 122 probably think I've let myself go without caring. That part kills me. I care. I make (mostly) smart choices. I'm not making excuses for myself. I'm facing this, and I'm recommitting to it again, here, and every day, until I feel comfortable again.

Also, kids, there's no such thing as diet cookies. =)


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