Thursday, November 03, 2011

frustration nation

I'm frustrated today. Frustrated for a very good reason, but still frustration feels like such a useless emotion. Frustration can lead you to make good changes, but in this case, I'm frustrated about good changes I've already made.

Patience has never been a virtue of mine, I'm very willing to admit that, but I still get frustrated when I see seemingly not only no reward, but punishment for my hard work.

What am I talking about? My weight, no surprise. It keeps inching up. And that is making me frustrated and quite pissed off.

Right now, and heck, not just right now, but right now, I'm in my 5th week of P90X. 5 weeks isn't a lot of time, I know. I wouldn't be pissed if the scale was staying where it started. But it isn't. Its creeping up. And yes, I know, muscle weighs more than fat, and its sometimes perfectly normal to gain when you first start working out. Yes. For an IN SHAPE person. For a person of healthy weight. Which I am not. Also, not exactly new to this whole working out thing.

How is it even possible that, let's say I didn't even change what I was eating, how is it even possible that pounds don't move when you are working out between an hour and two and a half hours each day? Huh? Tell me.

Let me just re-confirm - i DON'T expect results in 5 weeks. This is compounded frustration. I've been working out between 3-7 days a week going on 2 years (February!). I've worked by myself at the gym. I've worked with a trainer. I've worked by myself at ANOTHER gym. I've taken classes. I took to home workouts. I did 30 day shred, and I did lots of different crunch workouts. I finally upped my game to P90X. I think I partly did this to prove to myself that I am working out hard enough. If you are doing P90X and not cheating, you are working out hard enough.  Anybody is. Right?!?

At this point, I work out every day. On my rest day, I even do active stretching. Dude, it feels awesome. And its hard. But I couldn't just say, Oh, I'm doing enough, fuck the scale, until I really could say I'm doing ENOUGH.

But! But!!!!

Oh, and I have changed what I'm eating. I do Weight Watchers, Fred and I have stopped eating meat (3 weeks ago, I don't miss it, still have fish once a week about). I eat a shit ton of veggies and I eat fruit, and protein in the way of eggs and tofu, and I eat my dark green leafys and my flax. I take supplements for probiotic health, for Vitamin B, for Omega 3s. I have one diet, caffeine free, soda a day. I have one cup of decaf coffee a day.

So when I do all this, when my butt still aches from the legs workout 3 days ago, when I FEEL freaking GREAT (no, I'm not discounting this) do I not get frustrated when the scale won't budge?

So I got real fed up this morning, and I did something I haven't done in a very long time. I ate a Nutty Buddy. And now I feel guilty. But not defeated, whatever, its a small thing in the grand scale. But I need some progress to keep going, you hear me? I need some nice signs. I'm just sooo pissed that I felt I needed that packaged sugary crap.

What I do, it doesn't seem to much affect the weight honestly. When I worked out with a trainer I got down about 7 lbs. When I did my 30 day shred, I got down about 1/2 a lb under what I was 3 years ago - that didn't suck, but its still represented about a 12 lb net loss from my high. When I went through a little, eh, eff it phase with working out so hard? I lost. (Ok, that one may be muscle loss, but if so, that was quick) And now? I'm like 5 lbs away from my high. That is some bullshit.

So what do I do? Just keep going, obviously, that's not even a question. I'm getting stronger and healthier and fuck the weight. But I don't want to give up on that either. Don't want to give up on myself.

Its the goddamn medication, I know it is. That's what caused the gain and that's what's making it stay. I'm going to have to switch. All the way. I have to willingly make myself feel like shit for weeks in order to do this. Okay then, have it your way, medicine. You're done. (Don't worry, I'm going off one and upping my other, totally and completely doctor vetted and approved).

Also, if you have any words of share. I need a little boost.

1 comment:

dodom21 said...

it's actually good you have a nutty buddy! "dramatically spiking caloric intake in this way once per week increases fat-loss by ensuring that your metabolic rate (thyroid function and conversion of T4 to T3, etc.) doesn't downshift from extended caloric restriction."
If you take 1 day and eat all the crap in the world, it will actually help you loose weight. just a thought...your doing great though!!!