nattering

Morning, all! I was going to say its so hard to believe its the middle of November, but I feel like I'm saying that about a new month every other day, and its tiring me, so I won't! Just try to enjoy every day to its fullest.

I feel like nattering today, I have some complaining to do. I hope you'll indulge me. I do feel a bit like a whiny brat when I keep talking about my weight, blah-dy blah blah, but it is on my mind. Not in an obtrusive way, not in a bad way even. Let me be clear - I feel good about myself and I look good - in a completely different way than I used to look good. If that makes sense. And that's what I want to talk about. Re-adjusting to not being skinny.

So, I have mixed feelings about this subject. On one hand, I admire people who are proud of their bodies no matter what the shape. Its a hard thing to do, whether you are thin or heavier. I know that I didn't appreciate what I had when I had it!

On the other hand, and this may be controversial, I believe that everyone has a choice as to their habits, but if the world were run by me, I would encourage everyone to pursue a healthy lifestyle, healthy eating habits and exercise. I do get a bit judgy of people who are morbidly obese and chowing on the McD's 3 times a day. Okay, a lot judgy.

Which brings me to my own struggle and personal beliefs here. I spent most of my life as one thing - naturally slender no matter what the hell I ate, until I was not. It was quick, it was the result of medication, and it sucks. The emotional and mental ability to frame this change in my mind has taken much longer.

I try to look at myself in the mirror (actually, I don't hate this), more like I try to look at the number on my clothes. I realize that its is 2 digits where it used to be one. Okay, let's be real. Its a 10-12 and it used to be a 4-6. Fuck that noise.

So, this happened to me. At first, I did nothing. I was still recovering and kind of fragile from the walloping I took from panic disorder before this happened. I was content to just get through the days.

Then, I got a little pissed. I had to come to terms with my changed image of myself, the changed image that I now showed to the world. And, like always, I'm sure the vision I have of myself in my head is different from what people see. Like always, I kind of hate pictures. I'm not very photogenic, except when I look back 5 years later, and think hot damn, child, you look great. So, maybe I am photogenic, and also heavily critical of myself.

My fiance has never known me as the thin girl. He's seen pictures. This is interesting, though I don't think about it much.

So here's what I've done to make it right in my head. If I do EVERYTHING I can to live a healthy lifestyle and exercise and eat right and make good choices (while not completely restricting myself, I've learned to love strange and formerly foreign things, dark chocolate, lookin at you). If I take care of myself. THEN I can feel okay about my body. Does that make sense? Its like a deal I've made with myself. This may be the state I find myself in, but I won't take it lying down. I can't force change, but I can do what is within my power.

And that's going to be okay and good enough.